Some history... I've always wanted to be part of a book club. English and Literature classes were always my favorite in school. I loved breaking down and analyzing a poem; or discussing the themes, imagery, and symbolism in a literay novel. Life is so much bigger than we understand at first glance. And people have more depth than we give them time to reveal.
I once joined a book club a few years back. I didn't know anyone in the group except my neighbor. Let's just say I hated the experience. People discussed religion and politics, neither topic I like to discuss among strangers. Then they discussed current news events. One person said, "I don't have time to read the news. When I want to read the news I make sure I check out TMZ." I looked around the room waiting for others to laugh. No one did. That told me she was serious, and everyone else was okay with that. I knew I would never fit in with that group of nice ladies.
So finally, when I became self-employeed, I started my own Book Club. My only rule is "no Oprah book club books." More on that in another post. I invited most everyone I knew. Not everyone has time to read, or enjoys reading enough to talk about it, and we live in a large metropolitan area, so distance is an issue as well. We are small but a perfect fit. We are, in fact, a group of well-read, reading-loving girls, and I look forward to Book Club every month! We read 2-3 books a month for discussion. We will all tell you we actually read 2-3xs as many each month.
We read all kinds of books. Fiction, nonfiction, and historical fiction. One of the things I like best about Book Club is it makes me read books I would not have normally chosen, and I usually love them. You can get into such predictablity when reading on your own. So we each choose books to read, and that keeps it diverse.
Did I mention there is wine and/or lattes? C'mon, we're not in school anymore! :-)
So...
I thought I'd blog about our monthly picks, and discussion questions. This is a new idea. Maybe I'll blog after we've already met, and include some insights we all had. Maybe not. You know I only write when I feel like it, and when I feel like I have something to say.
June's Book Club reading list
"Love You More" by Lisa Gardner
"Little Bee" by Chris Cleave
"Love You More" by Lisa Gardner is a crime novel full of twists and turns. Lots of surprises. Just when you think you've figured it out, new evidence appears, and you're back to Square One. I chose this book for two reasons: I love love love, and I mean love, Lisa Garder. She beautifully combines two of my favorite topics of all time, crime and Boston. I enjoy the street names, parks, and scenery she describes. Makes me feel like I'm there. She writes crime perfectly. Her research is immaculate. In other words, she knows her stuff! So there are no stupid unbelievable moments in the ways crimes are investigated. I also love the way she writes women. Usually resilient and hard on the outside, soft and insecure on the inside. You really care about each character in her novels. Okay so this choice isn't going to inspire too many deep literary discussions. It's just fun to talk about how the investigation unfolds, and to find out what each person thought REALLY happened. It is an EXCITING book that you CANNOT put down. And then when you finally finish, you're sad because that means the book is over. That's how I know I loved a book. When I finish it and think, "Ahhh I finally finished it and got to the conclusion. Now damn, it's over. What am I supposed to do now??"
"Little Bee" by Chris Cleave.
Okay this one has lots of discussion-worthy questions. I had trouble getting into it at first. I didn't totally understand where Little Bee was or what was going on. Then you figure it out. She is a Nigerian refugee, a teen girl, living in a detention center in England. She gets out, illegally, although she didn't know it was illegal at the time, and she goes to the only people she knows in all of England. That would be a wealthy family who visited Nigeria a few years earlier. There are gut-wrenching scenes in this book. What makes them all the more impactful is when they are told from Little Bee's scared, innocent, and confused perspective. I cheered for Little Bee through the whole book. That is, until, she makes a choice that seems eerily similar to a choice that resulted in the violent murder of her older sister. No I won't tell you what it is. But this book is full of choices, agonizing choices, that people must make in split seconds. Then I can't judge Little Bee anymore because I don't know what I would have done. This book made me think. A lot. About my wonderful, beautiful, free, but totally spoiled and out of touch, American life. It made think about the racism and predjudice that exists in my city towards refugees. Here's what I see around me: if the refugees are from Africa, we embrace them. If they are from Mexico, we call them illegal, we scorn them, and we want them out. This book has nothing to do with Mexico. But it made me think of that. This book also made me think about the impact we all have on one another. We all have the ability to help or hurt each other. I choose to help in my profession. But do I always choose that in my every day life? Would I, if my life were in danger? Ahhh, the book makes you think. It also poignantly describes how asinine we can be to people we dislike. I like when Little Bee points out that everyone is hating and killing each other, yet all listening to U2. There is so much more that this story is about. It is real. The resiliency will wrap itself around your heart till you feel the tightness in your throat. The survivor-language is inspiring. And, you must read it. Some people don't like this book. That's okay. I think it's because they focused on the tragedies. All I see is the resiliency, and it's beautiful. I read a review that said this book was "totally depressing and horrible and sad." How is that a reason not to like a book?? I think life is that way. Life is completely horrible and sad. Maybe it's my job that makes me think that but I don't live under a rock. Read a paper, mentor a child, talk to the person next to you. Life is full of horrible tragedies that no one deserves or understands. So I think we all have to *create* the joy in life. We create it for ourselves, and we can create it for others. Little Bee is a superhero (as she tells Batman... which will make more sense when you read the book). You mean with everything she has seen and experienced, she has hope?! I love it.
Favorite quotes from Little Bee...
"... and I ask you right here please agree wtih me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must agree to defy them. We must see all the scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means: I survived."
"Sad words are just another beauty. A sad story means: this storyteller survived. The next thing you know something fine will happen to her, something marvelous, and then she will turn and smile."
"You travel here and you travel there, trying to get out from under the cloud, and nothing works, and then one day you realize you've been carrying the weather around with you."
" I think everyone was killing everyone else and listening to the same music... That is a good trick about this world, Sarah. No one likes each other but everyone likes U2."
"I was carrying two cargoes. Yes, one of them was horror but the other one was hope."
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
To The Girl I Never Knew
I'm so sorry.
Sorry for the horror that happened to you. Sorry for the environment you had to grow up in. Sorry your father terrorized you, and then killed you. I'm sorry your last words were that you were in pain. Are you at peace now? Or are you still hurt?
I'm sorry you had to raise yourself and your siblings. I'm sorry you don't to see them grow up. Can you?
I'm sorry you missed Christmas, and didn't get to open your presents. I'm sorry you were hungry that day, and no one fed you.
I'm sorry I saw your body. I was there to support your brother. But it was such a private moment that I didn't feel right being there. You were so small and bruised. So drained of life.
When I held your baby sister, and she made silly faces at me, I knew those were the faces you made at her to make her smile and laugh. When she crawled to your picture, and put her tiny chubby palm on your image, I felt her grief to my core. I haven't seen her smile since. I'm sorry. I tried to make her smile and laugh but she looks lost.
I'm sorry I won't be in court today to show my support for your justice. I hope and pray you get justice so you can be at peace, and know your siblings who you loved so much will be safe. I feel that you have been forgotten in all the trials. They became more about your father than the life you never got to finish.
I'm sorry I couldn't help your brother. I promise I did everything I could do. So many times I wanted to give up and walk away because it was too hard for me and too stressful for my loved ones. But I kept fighting for your brother, trying to help him and keep him safe. I'm sorry I failed.
The last time I saw your brother we made paper airplanes. He said that was something you and he loved to do together. He named his airplane "USS Cool Counselor" after me, and he left the airplane on your grave that day. I still don't know what that means. I think it's too soon to imagine. But I think maybe he wished I could have met you. I think somewhere, somehow he knows I tried to help him. That's what people tell me. But I think they just say that to make me feel better. Maybe you can help him see that I tried.
I never knew you but I know so much about you. I know the terror and sadness. I also know your favorite color, song, food, games, and your smile. Your cute, wrinkled-nose smile.
I pray you are at peace. I pray you are the beautiful happy angel that your half-sister imagines you to be. She has so much anger inside, and has also been forgotten by your family. Can you help her?
You will never be forgotten. Not by me, your siblings, or the many others who have heard your story.
Today, you did not get the justice you deserved. I'm so sorry, and I don't understand. I'm sorry your mother did not cry for you. I'm sorry she defended your father instead of your memory. I'm sorry he's allowed to be around your brother, and your brother will continue to grow up with terror and fear. I'm so sorry, for everything. I just need to know that you hear that from someone; that someone apologized to you for everything.
Now, it is done, and it is finished. May you rest in peace sweet girl.
Sorry for the horror that happened to you. Sorry for the environment you had to grow up in. Sorry your father terrorized you, and then killed you. I'm sorry your last words were that you were in pain. Are you at peace now? Or are you still hurt?
I'm sorry you had to raise yourself and your siblings. I'm sorry you don't to see them grow up. Can you?
I'm sorry you missed Christmas, and didn't get to open your presents. I'm sorry you were hungry that day, and no one fed you.
I'm sorry I saw your body. I was there to support your brother. But it was such a private moment that I didn't feel right being there. You were so small and bruised. So drained of life.
When I held your baby sister, and she made silly faces at me, I knew those were the faces you made at her to make her smile and laugh. When she crawled to your picture, and put her tiny chubby palm on your image, I felt her grief to my core. I haven't seen her smile since. I'm sorry. I tried to make her smile and laugh but she looks lost.
I'm sorry I won't be in court today to show my support for your justice. I hope and pray you get justice so you can be at peace, and know your siblings who you loved so much will be safe. I feel that you have been forgotten in all the trials. They became more about your father than the life you never got to finish.
I'm sorry I couldn't help your brother. I promise I did everything I could do. So many times I wanted to give up and walk away because it was too hard for me and too stressful for my loved ones. But I kept fighting for your brother, trying to help him and keep him safe. I'm sorry I failed.
The last time I saw your brother we made paper airplanes. He said that was something you and he loved to do together. He named his airplane "USS Cool Counselor" after me, and he left the airplane on your grave that day. I still don't know what that means. I think it's too soon to imagine. But I think maybe he wished I could have met you. I think somewhere, somehow he knows I tried to help him. That's what people tell me. But I think they just say that to make me feel better. Maybe you can help him see that I tried.
I never knew you but I know so much about you. I know the terror and sadness. I also know your favorite color, song, food, games, and your smile. Your cute, wrinkled-nose smile.
I pray you are at peace. I pray you are the beautiful happy angel that your half-sister imagines you to be. She has so much anger inside, and has also been forgotten by your family. Can you help her?
You will never be forgotten. Not by me, your siblings, or the many others who have heard your story.
Today, you did not get the justice you deserved. I'm so sorry, and I don't understand. I'm sorry your mother did not cry for you. I'm sorry she defended your father instead of your memory. I'm sorry he's allowed to be around your brother, and your brother will continue to grow up with terror and fear. I'm so sorry, for everything. I just need to know that you hear that from someone; that someone apologized to you for everything.
Now, it is done, and it is finished. May you rest in peace sweet girl.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Kids & Cheating
I don't often write about my work but tonight I will do so. But it's not what you're thinking. I love when kids cheat at boardgames. They do it in the funniest ways. Although their cheating is painfully obvious to adults, they think they are being so clever, and that cracks me up everytime.
CandyLand: Remember this bright and colorful game? A board covered in different types of candy! There's a tree made out of Gingerbread Plum, a house of Peanut Brittle, a lollipop forest, an ICE CREAM SEA, and if that's not enough, you win the game when you arrive at the Candy Castle. My stomach growls just looking at the pictures. By the way, the modern board is WAY more colorful, fun, and ethically-sensitive than the board I grew up with. But I digress. The other day a 5 year-old wanted to play this game with me. It's a simple concept. No dice. No counting. You pick a card, and go to the space that matches the color on the card. You can land on blue, red, green, etc. Or, if you're really skilled, I mean lucky, you get cards with Double Blue or Double Red, meaning you can advance faster. So, this little boy started switching turns. When it was a card he did not want, he'd announce, "Oh! It was your turn remember?" If I said, "ahh, no, that's your card," he'd reply, "nooooo I just went, it's your turn." Okay, whatever, it's CandyLand. I especially love when he lands on the "licorice sticks" which normally means you lose a turn. (That's what it means when I land on the licorice.) When he lands on the licorice, he announces, "this means I get to go again." "Really?" I reply, "because it says right here, lose a turn." He continues, "no it doesn't. Licorice is candy, so it means I get to bounce, I can jump on it, see, and bounce bounce bounce all the way to the other licorice sticks!" Sure kid, it's only CandyLand.
Chutes & Ladders: This one is equally as fun when a child decides to cheat. Basic concept: you land on a ladder, you get to climb it and advance quickly. You land on a chute (in the South we call them slides), and you slide all the way back to a lower place on the board. Ladders = Good. Chutes = Bad. It's not rocket science. I'll be darned if a 6 year old girl didn't decide she could climb from the middle of ladders. "It's okay if I just jump on the ladder from the middle of it." Actually no, the rules say you have to land at the exact end of a ladder in order to climb it but I don't remind her of this. Then she declared that she could climb up the chutes "because in real life I climb them at the playgound." After rolling a 4, she landed on another chute. However, she quickly said,"wait it was a 5." So I chime in with a smile, "it looks like a 4 to me." "No ma'am see I was over here on this spot (no she wasn't) and when I count 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, I don't land on the chute (yes she does)." Sigh. Okay fine. Let's discuss multiplication, and I'll kick your little...
Go Fish: How does one cheat at Go Fish, you ask? Here's how. Hold onto your cards when you don't want to give them away. This is also called lying. My advice to the 8 year old who does this every week is this: If I ask for a 3, and you say "go fish", don't immediately ask me for a 3 on your very next turn. Side note: saying "but I just got it!" when you haven't had a turn yet, doesn't work either.
Jenga: ahhhh a game loved by kids and adults alike. You stack the blocks, then take turns sliding them out one by one, without knocking over the whole tower. Funniest competition ever: a 5 year old girl who just picked off the blocks from the very top. Meanwhile I'm sliding shaky blocks from every nook and cranny. Best part was when she said, "I'm so much better at this than you! You keep knocking them down and I haven't knocked one down yet!" BECAUSE YOU'RE CHEATING!
In case you're thinking I'm a push-over, you should know, I don't always let the kids cheat. When they do it consistently, I lay down some limits. "That is not following the rules. It's not fair when the rules change for you but not for everyone else. I'm going to choose not to play with you when you choose to cheat." Ooh, this usually signals the end of the game. ;-)
I think my frustration comes from a generational gap between me and these younger kids. They are addicted to video games, as we all know. Remember when you had to sit quietly in the doctor's office with nothing to do but annoy your older brother, and then get pinched by your mother? Nowadays, our tech-savvy kids have iPhones, iPads, portable DVD players, and iPods to keep themselves occupied. Kids don't have to learn to wait anymore. They just watch a movie for 15 minutes, play 50 rounds of NinjaFruit, or download the newest Taylor Swift song on their iPod. If you don't know how to wait, then cheating is just a hop, skip, and jump away. They don't know how to lose because they don't. They all get "participation" trophies in sports. And when they return glossy-eyed to their video games, they can hit "reset" or enter "cheat codes" so they never die, and never lose. These are the same kids who are fascinated by playing tennis on the Wii. Hey, guess what junior? You can go outside, walk to the park, and actually play tennis for real! Really!
I assume the generations before me complained about my generation being spoiled. We did have Atari and Highlights magazine for God's sakes. I vividly remember my mom telling me in the dentist's office, "stop moving around! Just sit here and find the missing objects in the Highlights magazine."
"But someone already circled them," I'd whine.
"I don't care," she'd say. "Find them again!"
So I'm sure my frustration with younger generations is not new. I don't like to lose though. But in the name of rapport-building, I keep losing, time and time again. So I have no other choice but to laugh at their creativity. Afterall, it's the only way I ever lose at something as mindless as CandyLand.
CandyLand: Remember this bright and colorful game? A board covered in different types of candy! There's a tree made out of Gingerbread Plum, a house of Peanut Brittle, a lollipop forest, an ICE CREAM SEA, and if that's not enough, you win the game when you arrive at the Candy Castle. My stomach growls just looking at the pictures. By the way, the modern board is WAY more colorful, fun, and ethically-sensitive than the board I grew up with. But I digress. The other day a 5 year-old wanted to play this game with me. It's a simple concept. No dice. No counting. You pick a card, and go to the space that matches the color on the card. You can land on blue, red, green, etc. Or, if you're really skilled, I mean lucky, you get cards with Double Blue or Double Red, meaning you can advance faster. So, this little boy started switching turns. When it was a card he did not want, he'd announce, "Oh! It was your turn remember?" If I said, "ahh, no, that's your card," he'd reply, "nooooo I just went, it's your turn." Okay, whatever, it's CandyLand. I especially love when he lands on the "licorice sticks" which normally means you lose a turn. (That's what it means when I land on the licorice.) When he lands on the licorice, he announces, "this means I get to go again." "Really?" I reply, "because it says right here, lose a turn." He continues, "no it doesn't. Licorice is candy, so it means I get to bounce, I can jump on it, see, and bounce bounce bounce all the way to the other licorice sticks!" Sure kid, it's only CandyLand.
Chutes & Ladders: This one is equally as fun when a child decides to cheat. Basic concept: you land on a ladder, you get to climb it and advance quickly. You land on a chute (in the South we call them slides), and you slide all the way back to a lower place on the board. Ladders = Good. Chutes = Bad. It's not rocket science. I'll be darned if a 6 year old girl didn't decide she could climb from the middle of ladders. "It's okay if I just jump on the ladder from the middle of it." Actually no, the rules say you have to land at the exact end of a ladder in order to climb it but I don't remind her of this. Then she declared that she could climb up the chutes "because in real life I climb them at the playgound." After rolling a 4, she landed on another chute. However, she quickly said,"wait it was a 5." So I chime in with a smile, "it looks like a 4 to me." "No ma'am see I was over here on this spot (no she wasn't) and when I count 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, I don't land on the chute (yes she does)." Sigh. Okay fine. Let's discuss multiplication, and I'll kick your little...
Go Fish: How does one cheat at Go Fish, you ask? Here's how. Hold onto your cards when you don't want to give them away. This is also called lying. My advice to the 8 year old who does this every week is this: If I ask for a 3, and you say "go fish", don't immediately ask me for a 3 on your very next turn. Side note: saying "but I just got it!" when you haven't had a turn yet, doesn't work either.
Jenga: ahhhh a game loved by kids and adults alike. You stack the blocks, then take turns sliding them out one by one, without knocking over the whole tower. Funniest competition ever: a 5 year old girl who just picked off the blocks from the very top. Meanwhile I'm sliding shaky blocks from every nook and cranny. Best part was when she said, "I'm so much better at this than you! You keep knocking them down and I haven't knocked one down yet!" BECAUSE YOU'RE CHEATING!
In case you're thinking I'm a push-over, you should know, I don't always let the kids cheat. When they do it consistently, I lay down some limits. "That is not following the rules. It's not fair when the rules change for you but not for everyone else. I'm going to choose not to play with you when you choose to cheat." Ooh, this usually signals the end of the game. ;-)
I think my frustration comes from a generational gap between me and these younger kids. They are addicted to video games, as we all know. Remember when you had to sit quietly in the doctor's office with nothing to do but annoy your older brother, and then get pinched by your mother? Nowadays, our tech-savvy kids have iPhones, iPads, portable DVD players, and iPods to keep themselves occupied. Kids don't have to learn to wait anymore. They just watch a movie for 15 minutes, play 50 rounds of NinjaFruit, or download the newest Taylor Swift song on their iPod. If you don't know how to wait, then cheating is just a hop, skip, and jump away. They don't know how to lose because they don't. They all get "participation" trophies in sports. And when they return glossy-eyed to their video games, they can hit "reset" or enter "cheat codes" so they never die, and never lose. These are the same kids who are fascinated by playing tennis on the Wii. Hey, guess what junior? You can go outside, walk to the park, and actually play tennis for real! Really!
I assume the generations before me complained about my generation being spoiled. We did have Atari and Highlights magazine for God's sakes. I vividly remember my mom telling me in the dentist's office, "stop moving around! Just sit here and find the missing objects in the Highlights magazine."
"But someone already circled them," I'd whine.
"I don't care," she'd say. "Find them again!"
So I'm sure my frustration with younger generations is not new. I don't like to lose though. But in the name of rapport-building, I keep losing, time and time again. So I have no other choice but to laugh at their creativity. Afterall, it's the only way I ever lose at something as mindless as CandyLand.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Happiness
"Happiness hit her like a train on a track.
Coming towards her, stuck still, no turning back."
Those are the opening lyrics to one of my newest favorite songs: Dog Days Are Over by Florence + The Machine. I love this song for several reasons.
One, I love the bridge "Run fast for your mother/ run fast for your father / Run for your children all your sisters and brothers / Leave all your love and your longing behind. You can't carry it with you / if you want to survive." Those lines along with the quick beat make it a fantastic running song. I can listen to it over and over for a couple miles. Each time she says "run fast"; I do.
Second, it's a happy song. A song about the bad times being over, and get ready, cause here come the good times. At least that's what I think part of the song is about. The most obvious part anyway. I think the deeper meaning is the third, and biggest reason why I love this song.
The song opens with this lyric:
"Happiness / hit her / like a train on a track
Coming towards her / stuck still / no turning back
She hid around corners / and she hid under beds /
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled"
And it continues in the second verse with this:
Happiness / hit her / like a bullet in the back
Struck from /a great height
By someone /who should have known better / than that"
I think the protagonist of this story is much like me. She's terrified of happiness. She hid from it, she ran from it; but it still found her. And it didn't come to her quietly or gently. It came like a bullet to the back, a train on a track. Roaring, scorching, burning, striking, and of course, shockingly. She feels stabbed in the back by happiness. I get it.
Only those who have carried years of searching and dissatisfaction can truly understand the deeper message. Everyone has ups and downs. Life is neither fair nor perfect. But when you're used to being the underdog, the one tossed-aside, the black sheep, the ignored; happiness is not ever expected. And since it never comes, it seems very cruel.
Whenever someone asked me years ago if I was "happy", it made my stomach churn. I hated the word "happy". Happiness, to me, was so fleeting. I would respond, "I don't know about happy but I'm definitely content." Contentment is safe. It's comfy. It's on the fence between happiness and misery. So for most of my life I'd say, yes I was unhappy. For most of the past 6 years, I was content.
Then, last year, I cleaned house on my life. Miserable job? Leave it. Frenemies? Dump 'em. Unhealthy habits? Gone. Guilt for taking care of myself? Goodbye! "Like a bullet to the back" I, too, was hit by HaPpInEsS! Suddenly, I got it! Happy is sunshine! Clouds! Dancing! Flying! Breathing! Smiling! Singing! Can't wait for the morning! Can't wait to start the day! Can't wait to do something nice for someone! Loving every minute! Laughing! Everything going well! Everything falling into place! Everything aligned!
And holy hell, that was the scariest feeling I've ever had!!!! I called my mother and said, "I've never felt so happy, and yet I have this sick feeling feeling in my stomach carrying the biggest fear I've ever had." Happy is a scary place. It's only at the top that you realize, oh crap, the only direction from here is down. Perhaps that makes me an eternal pessimist. I don't know. I just know that's what I hear in the words of that song. Someone else terrified of happiness. Loving it, enjoying it, being freed by it; and yet terrified of what it really means.
And in fact, the protagonist knows what it means. She urges you to run away, fast! "You can't carry it with you if you want to survive," she calls. She knows no one survives happiness. The only view from the bottom is the top; and the only view from the top is the bottom. You decide which is the better view, and which you find yourself running from.
(c) LMS 2011
Coming towards her, stuck still, no turning back."
Those are the opening lyrics to one of my newest favorite songs: Dog Days Are Over by Florence + The Machine. I love this song for several reasons.
One, I love the bridge "Run fast for your mother/ run fast for your father / Run for your children all your sisters and brothers / Leave all your love and your longing behind. You can't carry it with you / if you want to survive." Those lines along with the quick beat make it a fantastic running song. I can listen to it over and over for a couple miles. Each time she says "run fast"; I do.
Second, it's a happy song. A song about the bad times being over, and get ready, cause here come the good times. At least that's what I think part of the song is about. The most obvious part anyway. I think the deeper meaning is the third, and biggest reason why I love this song.
The song opens with this lyric:
"Happiness / hit her / like a train on a track
Coming towards her / stuck still / no turning back
She hid around corners / and she hid under beds /
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled"
And it continues in the second verse with this:
Happiness / hit her / like a bullet in the back
Struck from /a great height
By someone /who should have known better / than that"
I think the protagonist of this story is much like me. She's terrified of happiness. She hid from it, she ran from it; but it still found her. And it didn't come to her quietly or gently. It came like a bullet to the back, a train on a track. Roaring, scorching, burning, striking, and of course, shockingly. She feels stabbed in the back by happiness. I get it.
Only those who have carried years of searching and dissatisfaction can truly understand the deeper message. Everyone has ups and downs. Life is neither fair nor perfect. But when you're used to being the underdog, the one tossed-aside, the black sheep, the ignored; happiness is not ever expected. And since it never comes, it seems very cruel.
Whenever someone asked me years ago if I was "happy", it made my stomach churn. I hated the word "happy". Happiness, to me, was so fleeting. I would respond, "I don't know about happy but I'm definitely content." Contentment is safe. It's comfy. It's on the fence between happiness and misery. So for most of my life I'd say, yes I was unhappy. For most of the past 6 years, I was content.
Then, last year, I cleaned house on my life. Miserable job? Leave it. Frenemies? Dump 'em. Unhealthy habits? Gone. Guilt for taking care of myself? Goodbye! "Like a bullet to the back" I, too, was hit by HaPpInEsS! Suddenly, I got it! Happy is sunshine! Clouds! Dancing! Flying! Breathing! Smiling! Singing! Can't wait for the morning! Can't wait to start the day! Can't wait to do something nice for someone! Loving every minute! Laughing! Everything going well! Everything falling into place! Everything aligned!
And holy hell, that was the scariest feeling I've ever had!!!! I called my mother and said, "I've never felt so happy, and yet I have this sick feeling feeling in my stomach carrying the biggest fear I've ever had." Happy is a scary place. It's only at the top that you realize, oh crap, the only direction from here is down. Perhaps that makes me an eternal pessimist. I don't know. I just know that's what I hear in the words of that song. Someone else terrified of happiness. Loving it, enjoying it, being freed by it; and yet terrified of what it really means.
And in fact, the protagonist knows what it means. She urges you to run away, fast! "You can't carry it with you if you want to survive," she calls. She knows no one survives happiness. The only view from the bottom is the top; and the only view from the top is the bottom. You decide which is the better view, and which you find yourself running from.
(c) LMS 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
My Promise
My hair will not always be smooth.
My waist will not always be small.
I may sleep more than most.
I may say things to myself that are beyond critical.
I may be late.
My hamper may always be full.
I may laugh too loudly
or withdraw by total surprise.
I will not always be me,
the me you know and love.
I will not always be the strong one
or the resilient one.
But my love for you will never cease,
it will be constant.
It will rise up like a deep blue wave,
and never tire.
It will be as filling as the cold brisk air.
It will remain as solid as a distant mountain peak,
and never crumble.
It will be there in the silence,
like a solemn deer, peering in the woods.
And that is the one thing I can promise you.
(c) LMS 2011
My waist will not always be small.
I may sleep more than most.
I may say things to myself that are beyond critical.
I may be late.
My hamper may always be full.
I may laugh too loudly
or withdraw by total surprise.
I will not always be me,
the me you know and love.
I will not always be the strong one
or the resilient one.
But my love for you will never cease,
it will be constant.
It will rise up like a deep blue wave,
and never tire.
It will be as filling as the cold brisk air.
It will remain as solid as a distant mountain peak,
and never crumble.
It will be there in the silence,
like a solemn deer, peering in the woods.
And that is the one thing I can promise you.
(c) LMS 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Just For Today
Today I will put away the negativity,
the doubt, the over-thinking, the worry, the fear, the perfectionism, the sadness, and the grief.
Today I will remember that I am in charge of my own happiness, and my ability to succeed or fail, is solely my responsibility.
Today I will be kind because having a hard day is no excuse to ruin someone else's.
Today I will find a space full of silence, and I will sit there until I rejuvenate.
Today I will run harder and farther.
I'll run till the sadness has been outrun.
I will pray deeper.
Till I find my way back to God's voice.
I will breathe slower.
Till I replenish my soul.
I will chase my dog while she chases a stick.
Till we both crash in the grass from exhaustion.
I will nap
... for no good reason.
Today I will smile bigger,
love better,
hug tighter,
and remember than we are never really alone.
Someone always has a harder time,
a rougher day,
and a tougher battle to fight than my own.
Today someone prayed for "one more day", and they didn't get it.
Today, I got one, and I'll take it.
the doubt, the over-thinking, the worry, the fear, the perfectionism, the sadness, and the grief.
Today I will remember that I am in charge of my own happiness, and my ability to succeed or fail, is solely my responsibility.
Today I will be kind because having a hard day is no excuse to ruin someone else's.
Today I will find a space full of silence, and I will sit there until I rejuvenate.
Today I will run harder and farther.
I'll run till the sadness has been outrun.
I will pray deeper.
Till I find my way back to God's voice.
I will breathe slower.
Till I replenish my soul.
I will chase my dog while she chases a stick.
Till we both crash in the grass from exhaustion.
I will nap
... for no good reason.
Today I will smile bigger,
love better,
hug tighter,
and remember than we are never really alone.
Someone always has a harder time,
a rougher day,
and a tougher battle to fight than my own.
Today someone prayed for "one more day", and they didn't get it.
Today, I got one, and I'll take it.
(c) LMS 2011
New Chapter
Alright... finally getting back to my blog. I had one a few years ago. Kept up with it for about a year. Then must have gotten tired because I deleted the entire blog. Well... stay tuned...
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