To The Girl I Never Knew

I'm so sorry.

Sorry for the horror that happened to you.  Sorry for the environment you had to grow up in. Sorry your father terrorized you, and then killed you.  I'm sorry your last words were that you were in pain.  Are you at peace now?  Or are you still hurt? 

I'm sorry you had to raise yourself and your siblings.  I'm sorry you don't to see them grow up.  Can you? 

I'm sorry you missed Christmas, and didn't get to open your presents.  I'm sorry you were hungry that day, and no one fed you. 

I'm sorry I saw your body.  I was there to support your brother.  But it was such a private moment that I didn't feel right being there.  You were so small and bruised.  So drained of life. 

When I held your baby sister, and she made silly faces at me, I knew those were the faces you made at her to make her smile and laugh. When she crawled to your picture, and put her tiny chubby palm on your image, I felt her grief to my core.  I haven't seen her smile since.  I'm sorry.  I tried to make her smile and laugh but she looks lost. 

I'm sorry I won't be in court today to show my support for your justice.  I hope and pray you get justice so you can be at peace, and know your siblings who you loved so much will be safe.  I feel that you have been forgotten in all the trials.  They became more about your father than the life you never got to finish. 

I'm sorry I couldn't help your brother.  I promise I did everything I could do.  So many times I wanted to give up and walk away because it was too hard for me and too stressful for my loved ones.  But I kept fighting for your brother, trying to help him and keep him safe.  I'm sorry I failed. 

The last time I saw your brother we made paper airplanes.  He said that was something you and he loved to do together.  He named his airplane "USS Cool Counselor" after me, and he left the airplane on your grave that day.  I still don't know what that means.  I think it's too soon to imagine.  But I think maybe he wished I could have met you.  I think somewhere, somehow he knows I tried to help him.  That's what people tell me.  But I think they just say that to make me feel better.  Maybe you can help him see that I tried.

I never knew you but I know so much about you.  I know the terror and sadness.  I also know your favorite color, song, food, games, and your smile.  Your cute, wrinkled-nose smile.

I pray you are at peace.  I pray you are the beautiful happy angel that your half-sister imagines you to be.  She has so much anger inside, and has also been forgotten by your family.  Can you help her? 

You will never be forgotten.  Not by me, your siblings, or the many others who have heard your story. 

Today, you did not get the justice you deserved.  I'm so sorry, and I don't understand.  I'm sorry your mother did not cry for you.  I'm sorry she defended your father instead of your memory.  I'm sorry he's allowed to be around your brother, and your brother will continue to grow up with terror and fear.  I'm so sorry, for everything.  I just need to know that you hear that from someone; that someone apologized to you for everything.

Now, it is done, and it is finished.  May you rest in peace sweet girl.