Happiness

"Happiness hit her like a train on a track.
Coming towards her, stuck still, no turning back."

Those are the opening lyrics to one of my newest favorite songs: Dog Days Are Over by Florence + The Machine.  I love this song for several reasons. 

One, I love the bridge "Run fast for your mother/ run fast for your father / Run for your children all your sisters and brothers / Leave all your love and your longing behind.  You can't carry it with you / if you want to survive."  Those lines along with the quick beat make it a fantastic running song.  I can listen to it over and over for a couple miles.  Each time she says "run fast"; I do. 

Second,  it's a happy song.  A song about the bad times being over, and get ready, cause here come the good times.  At least that's what I think part of the song is about.  The most obvious part anyway.  I think the deeper meaning is the third, and biggest reason why I love this song. 

The song opens with this lyric:
"Happiness / hit her / like a train on a track
Coming towards her / stuck still / no turning back
She hid around corners / and she hid under beds /
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled"

And it continues in the second verse with this:
Happiness / hit her / like a bullet in the back
Struck from /a great height
By someone /who should have known better / than that"

I think the protagonist of this story is much like me.  She's terrified of happiness.  She hid from it, she ran from it; but it still found her.  And it didn't come to her quietly or gently.  It came like a bullet to the back, a train on a track.  Roaring, scorching, burning, striking, and of course, shockingly.  She feels stabbed in the back by happiness.  I get it.

Only those who have carried years of searching and dissatisfaction can truly understand the deeper message.  Everyone has ups and downs. Life is neither fair nor perfect.  But when you're used to being the underdog, the one tossed-aside, the black sheep, the ignored; happiness is not ever expected.  And since it never comes, it seems very cruel. 

Whenever someone asked me years ago if I was "happy", it made my stomach churn.  I hated the word "happy".  Happiness, to me, was so fleeting.  I would respond, "I don't know about happy but I'm definitely content."  Contentment is safe.  It's comfy.  It's on the fence between happiness and misery.  So for most of my life I'd say, yes I was unhappy.  For most of the past 6 years, I was content. 

Then, last year, I cleaned house on my life.  Miserable job? Leave it.  Frenemies? Dump 'em.  Unhealthy habits? Gone.  Guilt for taking care of myself?  Goodbye! "Like a bullet to the back" I, too, was hit by HaPpInEsS!  Suddenly, I got it!  Happy is sunshine! Clouds! Dancing! Flying! Breathing! Smiling! Singing! Can't wait for the morning! Can't wait to start the day! Can't wait to do something nice for someone! Loving every minute! Laughing! Everything going well! Everything falling into place! Everything aligned!

And holy hell, that was the scariest feeling I've ever had!!!!  I called my mother and said, "I've never felt so happy, and yet I have this sick feeling feeling in my stomach carrying the biggest fear I've ever had."  Happy is a scary place.  It's only at the top that you realize, oh crap, the only direction from here is down.  Perhaps that makes me an eternal pessimist.  I don't know.  I just know that's what I hear in the words of that song.  Someone else terrified of happiness.  Loving it, enjoying it, being freed by it; and yet terrified of what it really means. 

And in fact, the protagonist knows what it means.  She urges you to run away, fast!  "You can't carry it with you if you want to survive," she calls.  She knows no one survives happiness.  The only view from the bottom is the top; and the only view from the top is the bottom.  You decide which is the better view, and which you find yourself running from. 

(c) LMS 2011